“You’ve got schmutz on your face!”
“We are what we pretend to be,
so we must be careful about
what we pretend to be.”
―Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Night
I have been quiet for a bit, because I was busy trying to survive my first week as a shiny new apprentice carpenter. It was exhilarating, stressful, and rewarding. The biggest difference, is within my own mood and confidence. There’s something refreshing about putting on these heavy clothes and getting out the door earlier than I have been in years. I am training a totally new neural network and the sensation of beating the sun from rising does not always feel good. Often, I’m groggy when I wake up — until I remember. That passion and drive has been awoken!! And therefore, the strength to proceed lives within me. 🔨
I like my crew and everyone has been respectful, while also showing me their authentic personality. There has been lots of laughs among the many moments of intensity and advanced learning. Someone told me that the novelty will wear off, which I have heard before, but as a woman who was told to be less her whole life, I don’t think so. I feel like I don’t have to wear a mask to work. I just show up and the work takes a hold over me. I also wouldn’t just commit to drastic change impulsively. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for the last four semesters of my psychology program. It’s dangerous work. However, I would notice all the construction happening on campus, and yearn to be a part of that crew instead of stressing over Brightspace. I have not spent much time on a screen this week and I feel revitalized and discovered a sense of purpose and direction. I really do not miss my old massage therapist schedule. Healing is important work, but so is building.
I no longer shiver in anxiety before my commute, I feel like I can be myself… and even chew on a pencil, because my co-workers do it too. I found my crew and the only reason I feel sad now is because I know many people are living in struggle and resentment in what they do for a living. I hope everyone finds the courage to shift directions, because sometimes that is the best thing you can do for yourself. It’s been amazing, to share my truth, many people came forward with similar confessions. And the people closest to me, who I am so afraid to let down, surprised me the most. Being supportive, kind, encouraging, giving me tools, and reaffirming just how much they believe in me.
I was in my Buddhist zoom group last Thursday, over a week ago, crying my heart out. The teacher spoke about the importance of “finding your teacher” and I wept because I truly needed someone to give me a chance in this industry because I have NO IDEA what I am doing, I’m freshly “dumb” and ready to learn. My brain is mendable, and I will rewire to inspire. And then I met them! But I’ll save that story for later. It is still… under construction. 🚧
